DO YOU SPEAK-A-DA FASHION LINGO?

THIS WAS SENT TO ME FROM A DEAR KIWI FRIEND - STRAIGHT OFF THE PAGES OF THE MOST EXCELLENT NEW ZEALAND HERALD. IF YOU ARE ONE WHO MAKES CONSTANT FASHION FAUX PAS, YOU NEED TO READ ON..........

If you don't want to make a faux pas in front of the in-crowd, then we can help you become one of them.

If a friend told you she was wearing covert couture with fashion-forward pickle-stabbers and she felt this was a fierce look, but you didn't have a clue what she was ranting about, then you will want to read on.

For here's the Viva lexicon of fashion phrases. Some we stole, others we made up. All will be useful if you find yourself trapped in a circle of well-dressed men and women carrying It bags. Tear this out and take it with you. Then if someone loudly asks: "Do you speak-a da fashion?" you can reply with style and grace.

Aspirational

This is what high fashion is supposed to be. No, you're not supposed to wear the clothes you see in the glossy Italian magazines - at least, not with butterfly wings on while climbing a tree in high-heeled boots. You're just supposed to be inspired by, or aspire to, them. It's fashion as fantasy. This is also the best excuse ever invented by the fashion industry for the politically incorrect things they do. Use it: We don't want 14-year-old girls to develop anorexia. Surely they can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. This is high fashion. It's aspirational.

Bespoke

Something that's made especially for you. Note that there are big differences between bespoke and other similar terms. Bespoke is where it's made for you from scratch. Made-to-measure is when an existing garment or pattern is adjusted for you. A one-off describes garments of which only one exists. A limited edition describes a garment of which there are more than one but not so many the girl next door will also have one.

Use it: He wears a lovely made-to-measure suit. But his boss, who earns a lot more, wears a bespoke suit.

Black

As in "the new black". A lot of fashion-industry types wear black all the time because it's slimming, it's attractive and it's a hell of a lot easier to wear than most of the clothes they see on the runway. So when something becomes so widespread it rivals the popularity of the colour black, it is referred to as the new black.

Use it: Eco-consciousness is the new black.

Covert couture

The sorts of clothes that cost a lot of money but don't look like they once did. Only the smug owner knows the value and quality of such items.

Use it: Cashmere socks for $200. Mmmm, now that's truly covert couture.

Cutensils

Household objects or utensils that are designed to look cute. Italian design company Alessi are a particularly good example because they give many of their products personalities.

Use it: My bottle opener with the smiling face is such a cutensil.

Edgy

See fashion forward.

Fashion forward

Mildly irritating phrase used to describe something or someone at the forefront of a fashion trend. Usually they're doing something edgy or unexpected. Not to be confused with "on trend".

Use it: She's gone very fashion forward this season, hasn't she?

Fierce

A compliment, meaning you look aggressively attractive, sexy and cool, which has become popular after almost constant use by Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model to describe the contestants she thinks have done well. Often used sarcastically backstage at fashion weeks.

Use it: Honey, that mini-dress looks fierce. So does your giant up-do.

Glamazon

Combination of the words glamour and Amazon that is now considered old-fashioned terminology for long-legged, well-paid supermodels who strode the 80s' runways.

Use it: Those high-cut togs make you look like such a glamazon.

Glamourista

A substitute for the much overused word "fashionista". A glamourista is someone who really knows their way around fashion and glamour.

Use it: Oh dear, look at her. With her Chanel bag and her Dior sunglasses she thinks she's such a glamourista.

Makeunder

Similar to a makeover, except rather than dolling oneself up, one opts for a simple, no-makeup, no-fuss look. This can be a positive or negative.

Use it: My mother used this pudding bowl and scissors to give my hair a makeunder.

On trend

Another irritating phrase meaning that the person, label or item is doing exactly what you expected in terms of fashion trends. So if lace dresses are popular, they are making or wearing lace dresses. You may wonder why we keep using such phrases if we realise some of them are so annoying. Well, you try coming up with 20 synonyms for fashionable and you'll understand.

Use it: There were some weird bits, but mostly her whole collection was so on trend.

Personalisation

A big trend a couple of years ago when people who couldn't sew, knit or draw, took to embroidering, knitting and drawing on their own clothes. This was to set themselves apart from the fashion crowd. Personalisation is still a trendy thing but now it tends to be left to the professionals.

Use it: Hand me the glue-gun and those little blue beads. I'm going to personalise my T-shirt.

Pickle-stabber

An extremely pointy high heel that is, in fact, so pointy you could stab a pickle with it, if you so desired. Despite the awesome name, these have been replaced by wedges and platform soles as the shoe of the moment.

Use it: Pickle-stabbers and pointy toes are so 20th century.

Retro-futurism

A trend with a lot of currency right now. It means that something has a sort of futuristic look, but it's the kind of future that was imagined in the 50s and 60s, as in The Jetsons.

Use it: That shiny, silver bag is so retro. But, oh, it's kind of futuristic and space-age as well. Wow, that must be the retro-futurism I've been hearing all about.

Sex

As in "better than". An item of clothing or an accessory that makes the bearer so ecstatic that they describe said item as better than sex. Also known as a hero purchase.

Use it: These $2000 Balenciaga boots I just paid off are better than sex.

T-shirtable

Describes any sort of situation, logo or slogan that would look good on a T-shirt.

Use it: Green is the new black. Get me my pen. That's T-shirtable.

Trashic

Combination of the words tragic and trashy. A description that's so bad that its almost a compliment.

Use it: Oh Britney, shaving your hair off like that was so trashic.

Trickle-up trend

When a fashion trend starts in an area other than fashion, usually at street level - that is, art students and musicians are wearing or doing something and then the fashion industry catches on and presents the look on the runway, for sale.

Use it: New rave is going to trickle up just like garage rock did.

Up-do

Another way of saying your hair has been put up.

Use it: See fierce.

Vanity sizing

You know how with some brands a size 12 fits you perfectly, but in other brands you've suddenly become a size 14? This is not the result of rapid weight gain - it's actually vanity sizing, a clever marketing idea that works on the theory that if you feel thinner because you fit into a smaller size then you're more likely to buy.

Use it: You haven't lost weight, dear, that's just vanity sizing.

Vintage

You may think that you know what this means but if you've been listing the Esprit jumper you bought last winter on an internet auction as "vintage" then you do not. Last season's clothes are "used clothes". Vintage implies some kind of pedigree.

Use it: This exquisite 60s shift dress is vintage. That blue Esprit jumper you bought three months ago is not.

You

As in "that's so". Ambiguous phrase depending on how you feel about the person. Telling someone whose style you like, "It's so you" is a compliment. If you don't like their outfit, it means, "I wouldn't wear that if you paid me." If this is too obvious an insult, you could say "unclassifiable" or "unique".

Use it: Those three-quarter-length pants worn with green Crocs are just so you/unique.

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Negatives

So done, so over, so last season, so last century, so common, matchy-matchy, passe, faux pas, very (insert dreary designer name), boring, seen-before.

Positives

Now, fresh, chic, love it, to die for, raising the bar, important, must-have, very (insert fabulous designer name), fabulous,