Fashion Faux Pas

Teaching is never a profession associated with the heights of fashion. I mean, teachers are meant to be those people in the world shaping the minds of the young and impressionable. So tell me then, why are most teachers so bloody unfashionable? It truly is a conundrum.

In my ten years of teaching, I have experienced so many fashion faux pas that I wanted to offer a class at various conferences entitled "Fashion 101 for teachers". I guess the terrible fashion I encountered may be a part of life in South East Asia. What does one wear in a climate that only has two seasons - hot and humid which leads into hotter and humider (yes, I just made up that word).

When I first moved to the Philippines, I made many fashion blunders in my attempt to adapt to my environment. On my stopover in Singapore, I some how bought a tie-died sack of a dress which I somehow thought was 'breezy' and 'tropical'. Try instead 'fatty' and 'dodgy' and ' you look like a right twat in that".

Or in the first few months when I hadn't quite acclimatised and attempted to wear jeans and boots. I have a faint memory of cutting the jeans off my legs because the blood wasn't reaching any moving parts.

We all made those mistakes. Grooving Fungus, for example, had lived a charmed life when he first came to Manila. He basically moved from an air conditioned car to his air conditioned office and back into the airconditioned car where he would alight into an air conditioned mall. When we were posted to Singapore, he truly had a fashion melt down. One day he came home with the type of sandals that one's Dad would wear and tried to convince me they were trendy. I had to drag him to the mall, make him buy some longish shorts and a pair of Chuck Taylors. Luckily, his fashion has evolved otherwise there would have been no way we would ever have been married.

But, I digress. Fashion in South East Asia is one thing - fashion in an international school is another. Please allow me to enlighten you and your wardrobe.

A mullet is never a fashionable hair cut. Ever. No, not even for David Beckham.

It is completely unacceptable to wear a jersey dress if you are obese. Especially if when you stand up, the front of the dress gets caught in the folds of your stomach and you end up showing your faculty those grey granny knickers with the stretched elastic. True story - I can only just begin to talk about it now. Traumatic.

White sports shoes with white ankle socks will never say 'professional'. You know you've seen it on a male faculty member near you.

Worse, mid-calf length floral skirts never look good on anyone. Least of all with the black-listed white sports shoes.

Rough linen shirts with elephant shaped buttons have never been trendy.

There is absolutely no social situation when you can wear tie-dyed pants. No, I don't care if you bought them in Ubud and everyone else was wearing them.

Shoes with large square heels were only in fashion for five minutes, if ever. Even if they cost you a lot and are made from the softest leather.

If you have a fat stomach, buy pants that fit. Do not attempt to wear them over your gut or under it with that belly protruding like a keg of beer.

Never, ever wear a short sleeved shirt with a tie. Yes, your father did but 1976 was twenty years ago.

Low riders and thongs in a classroom. Never a good thing.

Try not to be wearing a fitted wool jersey when there is a fire drill in which you need to stand outside for at least twenty minutes in 35 degree heat.

Hand carved wooden parrot earrings can be admired on a jewellry stand when travelling through Cambodia/Thailand/Philippines/Indonesia..............but they should never be purchased or worn.

White underpants should never be worn under white trousers. And while we are on the topic, did somebody mention VPL? Ladies, underwear should fit.

The four boob effect? One of your teachers is wearing a bra that is wayyyyy too small and suddenly she looks like one of those weirdos off that Arnold movie on Mars. Two normal breasts and two small ones above, popping through her shirt to say hello.

I never declared I was a fashionista. Never. However, if you have ever made one of the mistakes above, take heed. It doesn't take much to be trendy as a teacher.

As a true shoe diva, I will leave you with one major pearl of wisdom. Shoe selection. I don't care who you are but Croc's should never be seen in a classroom..........small exception made for those who are PE teachers required to be pool side for the day. Birkenstocks fall into the same category. Sorry but who the hell invented those things?

Teachers constantly wax lyrical about being 'professionals' and 'respected within the community". Easy solution - if you want to be treated like a professional, you should physically present yourself as a professional. Most teachers only ever dress up and look decent for Parent-Teacher conferences........what does that tell you?